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View Full Version : I'm old and in over my head! Help!



Snocat
04-30-2012, 02:50 PM
Dear Sir or Madame:

I'm forty years old and the only video game I play is Minecraft. If you were to look up Newbie in the dictionary you'd see a picture of me shaking my iPad and wondering why the lines don't disappear. I do so miss my Etch-A-Sketch. I started playing Kingdom Age today and I've gone so horribly wrong that I'm expecting the Internet Police to show up on my doorstep with a Cease and Desist Notice.

I like the game but after reading the articles on this website I'm more than certain that I'm about to have my ass handed to me in a Tupperware Container. As such, if one of you more kindly minded folk would volunteer to help a poor Newfoundlander out, well it would be greatly appreciated!

Judging by the other articles I guess I should do this in a numerical fashion, so on to number one.

1) I understand that it takes energy to fight. That makes sense. However I find myself sitting on my arse for about fifty five minutes to get the blue energy bar full only to expend that energy in a minute! I read on this website that you can get good items by attacking monsters on the furthest page you get. Well, I just spent the better part of four hours smacking a Magma Man in Lanibod's Crypt and all I got was the finger as his ephemeral remains departed for greener pastures. I hope he ends up in that level of hades where all they do is sing the "Sound of Music".

2) I keep reading on this site about people "camping" but I'll be damned if I can find it! Also, when I got a bakery it said that I did good to feed the troops but I can't find a logistics page. It said the troops were happy but I can't find anything on their morale either.

3) I guess I ate my Wheaties this morning because when I first started I went out and leveled a bunch of buildings, now I feel guilty because I found out after that it wasn't the computer I was beating on but some poor bugger like me who probably went to water the lilly's and came back to find his hard wrought work had just chased the damned lilly's down the toilet. I don't know who it was but I apologise profusely.

4) Someone with the the unwieldy username "askljdhaf4" said "If you own two of every building, and 95% of your hood is level 1, you are retarded. " I may be a borderline case of Down's Syndrome. I've been trying to create an infrastructure that would supply me enough currency so's I can implement my plan of World Domination. That being said, I haven't bought any military units or weaponry or even armor for that matter. What I have is not so much an army as it is a Boy Scout Troop, but with a fat kid that can sit on you and fart, it's a VERY scary Boy Scout Troop. In hindsight this seems like it may not be so good. Is there anything in particular I should be looking for? Mebe a suitcase nuke?

5) Though I'm not exactly sure why, I'm getting the distinct feeling that I should be getting allies for this game. I don't know anyone who plays this and they wouldn't want me for an ally anyway because I'd just come visit, drink their beer, and impregnate their women... damn allies with no sense of humor... but if you're up for a charity case and you drink Canadian Beer, hell, me and Boy Scouts will have your back. Waaaaaay back.

6) I'm damned if I know how you folk get your game statistics to show up at the bottom so I'm just going to type it all in. And speaking of typing, my computer sounds like a vulture in a gut truck so I'm typing this on an iPad. That means any typos in this missive are due to the autocorrect chummy and not me. I don't proof read, I don't expect to live that long. So when I typed "hello" and autocorrect said "screw you, you dork", please send your complaints to Apple just like I do. Damnedest thing though, whenever I send a complaint to Apple on my iPhone it always comes out as "You numbah one GI, me buy your products long time! Kissy. Kissy."

_____________

Snocat
ID: 405-989-031
Level: 8
Hourly Income: 338 - Attack: 24 - Defense: 38
Raids: Wins 9 - Losses 1
Playing since 6:00 this morning Newfoundland Time!

enahs1
04-30-2012, 02:53 PM
This made me laugh :) Refer to this for your questions http://www.funzio.com/forum/showthread.php?25499-Beginners-Guide-For-Kingdom-Age

twchung22
04-30-2012, 02:58 PM
Dear Sir or Madame:

I'm forty years old and the only video game I play is Minecraft. If you were to look up Newbie in the dictionary you'd see a picture of me shaking my iPad and wondering why the lines don't disappear. I do so miss my Etch-A-Sketch. I started playing Kingdom Age today and I've gone so horribly wrong that I'm expecting the Internet Police to show up on my doorstep with a Cease and Desist Notice.

I like the game but after reading the articles on this website I'm more than certain that I'm about to have my ass handed to me in a Tupperware Container. As such, if one of you more kindly minded folk would volunteer to help a poor Newfoundlander out, well it would be greatly appreciated!

Judging by the other articles I guess I should do this in a numerical fashion, so on to number one.

1) I understand that it takes energy to fight. That makes sense. However I find myself sitting on my arse for about fifty five minutes to get the blue energy bar full only to expend that energy in a minute! I read on this website that you can get good items by attacking monsters on the furthest page you get. Well, I just spent the better part of four hours smacking a Magma Man in Lanibod's Crypt and all I got was the finger as his ephemeral remains departed for greener pastures. I hope he ends up in that level of hades where all they do is sing the "Sound of Music".

2) I keep reading on this site about people "camping" but I'll be damned if I can find it! Also, when I got a bakery it said that I did good to feed the troops but I can't find a logistics page. It said the troops were happy but I can't find anything on their morale either.

3) I guess I ate my Wheaties this morning because when I first started I went out and leveled a bunch of buildings, now I feel guilty because I found out after that it wasn't the computer I was beating on but some poor bugger like me who probably went to water the lilly's and came back to find his hard wrought work had just chased the damned lilly's down the toilet. I don't know who it was but I apologise profusely.

4) Someone with the the unwieldy username "askljdhaf4" said "If you own two of every building, and 95% of your hood is level 1, you are retarded. " I may be a borderline case of Down's Syndrome. I've been trying to create an infrastructure that would supply me enough currency so's I can implement my plan of World Domination. That being said, I haven't bought any military units or weaponry or even armor for that matter. What I have is not so much an army as it is a Boy Scout Troop, but with a fat kid that can sit on you and fart, it's a VERY scary Boy Scout Troop. In hindsight this seems like it may not be so good. Is there anything in particular I should be looking for? Mebe a suitcase nuke?

5) Though I'm not exactly sure why, I'm getting the distinct feeling that I should be getting allies for this game. I don't know anyone who plays this and they wouldn't want me for an ally anyway because I'd just come visit, drink their beer, and impregnate their women... damn allies with no sense of humor... but if you're up for a charity case and you drink Canadian Beer, hell, me and Boy Scouts will have your back. Waaaaaay back.

6) I'm damned if I know how you folk get your game statistics to show up at the bottom so I'm just going to type it all in. And speaking of typing, my computer sounds like a vulture in a gut truck so I'm typing this on an iPad. That means any typos in this missive are due to the autocorrect chummy and not me. I don't proof read, I don't expect to live that long. So when I typed "hello" and autocorrect said "screw you, you dork", please send your complaints to Apple just like I do. Damnedest thing though, whenever I send a complaint to Apple on my iPhone it always comes out as "You numbah one GI, me buy your products long time! Kissy. Kissy."

_____________

Snocat
ID: 405-989-031
Level: 8
Hourly Income: 338 - Attack: 24 - Defense: 38
Raids: Wins 9 - Losses 1
Playing since 6:00 this morning Newfoundland Time!

Great post, made my day. If you don't mind tell me, how old are you?

enahs1
04-30-2012, 03:00 PM
The first sentence says he is 40...

twchung22
04-30-2012, 03:17 PM
The first sentence says he is 40...

Opps...my bad, got too intrigued into what his questions were and mis the first sentence. Thanks enahs1

Snocat
04-30-2012, 03:42 PM
Dearest enahs1:

Thank you for your quick response. I've gone limp in less time than it took you to respond, you must be psychic! I've read the Beginner's Guide front to back and back to front, even right to left to be honest. You must work in IT, those fellers answer the phone with "Hello, did you turn it off and back on yet?"

Hehehhehe!

I'm mostly worried about the fight for a minute and rest for an hour thing, it's all right for me, I can go change my diaper and turn up my nose at a g****fruit whilst my poor character feller gets his second wind. Thing is, there's only so many bowel movements and g****fruit in a twenty four hour period to distract me, so I'm like a ten year old with his first hard on. Don't know what to do and scared ****less it won't last!

Is this waiting period normal? Mebe the underwire in my man-bra is cutting off the circulation (t'would explain a lot of the women I've had), salty lot they were, and not in a tasty way, eh? Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge! It just seems to me that the folk who made the game could have made it a little more... fast paced? I mean, you could sub this in for Bingo Night at the senior's hall and they wouldn't bat an eye, even if they could bat an eye! And if you think I'm typing out that fancy arsed signature again your sadly mistaken, I've been looking to buy a brothel for the Boy Scout Troop to up their morale but I can't seem to find it...




This made me laugh :) Refer to this for your questions http://www.funzio.com/forum/showthread.php?25499-Beginners-Guide-For-Kingdom-Age

Snocat
04-30-2012, 03:45 PM
Gosh darn it! It actually censored g r a p e f r u i t! Is that some nasty sex thing like the dirty sanchez?!?

Ghost818
04-30-2012, 03:51 PM
1) You get 3 energy every 1 minute. It is expected to get the best possible loot (armor or weapon that drops from monsters) from the latest available map to you, but this doesn't mean attack the strongest monster there (or 2nd strongest after Lanibod himself). Attack the Gargoyles, and those blobs that look like silly putty (not the abominations) they die the quickest. When you finally get a drop from them, your damage will raise by a lot because you currently have no good inventory.

2) Camping just means they are not using any energy so they don't level up, and collecting the money produced from their money buildings so they could outfit their allies with good units, and their units with good armor/weapons or to invest it back into their economy (more money buildings or upgrades)

2a) You dont need to feed your troops, it was just a quest you completed dont worry :)

3) Yes they are real people, but thats just how the game works, raid, attack and kill their units :)

4) Dont worry about having only level 1 buildings, you can upgrade them (starting right now) so they produce even more money. That forum member was only referring to people who have played the other games by Funzio and still haven't upgraded anything.

5) People cant add you if they dont know your code (found in the Add Allies menu in the game), you can send requests (you post your code in game on peoples profile walls) OR you post your code here on the forum in the ADD ME section and requests come flooding in.


6) The bottom where I have quotes and guide along with some stats, is called a signature on your forum account. Every time you post it will automatically be down there. You can make yours by going to the top of this page, click on forum actions, edit profile, on the left hand bottom side you will see edit signature.

Also to add an avatar (picture next to your name) You would go again to the top of this page, forum actions, Edit Profile, Edit Avatar, and add a picture with the dimensions of 150x150. No greater or it wont upload.

If you have any other questions feel free to PM any of us forum folk, or me if you like, BUT thoroughly read the guide i have created before you do because it will answer tons of questions, it is located on the top of the General Section, and also in my signature the blue links.

Side Note: Camping may also be refereed to limiting your Ally Count. You would do this to prevent people your level with a far greater ally count to see you in their rivals list until you can equip all your units with decent armor and weapons. So if you go with posing your code here in the Add Me section of the forum, you can limit your ally count to whatever you want and if you want to add more allies and equip them with units/armor/weapons its entirely your decision.

Ghost818
04-30-2012, 03:52 PM
Gosh darn it! It actually censored g r a p e f r u i t! Is that some nasty sex thing like the dirty sanchez?!?

Just censors the 4 letters after the G.

Freekizh
04-30-2012, 04:01 PM
Welcome to the forum bud.

8 levels in 1 day? And you have you have like 1 or 2 allies right? I would slow down a little bit here old chap until you get your bearings. This game isn't meant to be played like an arcade game in one day....

Very low level allied players will need to opine whether its viable to stay this low at his level ...

Snocat
04-30-2012, 04:10 PM
You sir, are hands down the most lucid and erudite person I've ever had the privilege to converse with on this god forsaken thing they call the Internet. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions; I'm fairly certain that I may or may not but probably or at least hopefully will, understand at least a part of your explanation with a week of further study. Don't be discouraged, it could be worse! You could have just found out your retarded like I did!

I'll have to look into this ally thing a bit more, and I thank you for the tip on the goo dude!

By the way, would you mind terribly taking a job with Hewlett Packard? I'm having trouble with my computer and they don't seem to speak the languages we call "common sense" "good faith" and "honesty". I'm currently searching for a Rosetta Stone but it's not looking good.

Euchred
04-30-2012, 04:13 PM
Minecraft FTW

Snocat
04-30-2012, 04:15 PM
Ack!!! I knew darn well I screwed up; I didn't try to level up, I just killed things. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Just one thing, I'm not quite sure what you said. Where did I go wrong and how do I fix it? I thought I was going slow!





Welcome to the forum bud.

8 levels in 1 day? And you have you have like 1 or 2 allies right? I would slow down a little bit here old chap until you get your bearings. This game isn't meant to be played like an arcade game in one day....

Very low level allied players will need to opine whether its viable to stay this low at his level ...

Ghost818
04-30-2012, 04:16 PM
You sir, are hands down the most lucid and erudite person I've ever had the privilege to converse with on this god forsaken thing they call the Internet. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions; I'm fairly certain that I may or may not but probably or at least hopefully will, understand at least a part of your explanation with a week of further study. Don't be discouraged, it could be worse! You could have just found out your retarded like I did!

I'll have to look into this ally thing a bit more, and I thank you for the tip on the goo dude!

By the way, would you mind terribly taking a job with Hewlett Packard? I'm having trouble with my computer and they don't seem to speak the languages we call "common sense" "good faith" and "honesty". I'm currently searching for a Rosetta Stone but it's not looking good.

What may the problem be with your computer? Perhaps one of us could be of assistance?

Freekizh
04-30-2012, 04:25 PM
Ack!!! I knew darn well I screwed up; I didn't try to level up, I just killed things. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Just one thing, I'm not quite sure what you said. Where did I go wrong and how do I fix it? I thought I was going slow!

I didn't give you any advice except to slow down bud.

I'm asking other forum members who have very low allies at your level to help you out as your situation is pretty unqiue. Your biggest decision now is whether to stay under the radar (i.e., try not be seen by a large number of rivals) IF YOU CAN by keeping the number of allies you have at the moment the same, or increase the number of allies to boost your stats, especially defense. Most of my low level allies on level 7-9 have around 15-30 allies.

I think right now your low level buildings and low allies (I am assuming less than 3?) is not getting you any attention fortunately.

Snocat
04-30-2012, 04:45 PM
Sometimes I amaze even myself, in the wee short time betwixt my missive and your reply I managed to step on my twig and berries. ie. most of my buildings are now twos and some are threes AND I now have another ally somehow, bringing the total abysmally to two. I guess my idea of staying under the radar consists of jumping up and down screaming like a lunatic and baring my pale flaccid arse to the world. BOOGA BOOGA!!

Not only that but the damn game leveled me up to nine while I had my back turned. I've invested what little money I had into the vault in the hopes that I can sc**** some remnant of dignity from the rubble that's left of my lands... I'd say easy come easy go but it wasn't. Mebe they'll leave me the cottage, thank god I don't have a tavern yet. It'd break my heart to lose that.


I didn't give you any advice except to slow down bud.

I'm asking other forum members who have very low allies at your level to help you out as your situation is pretty unqiue. Your biggest decision now is whether to stay under the radar (i.e., try not be seen by a large number of rivals) IF YOU CAN by keeping the number of allies you have at the moment the same, or increase the number of allies to boost your stats, especially defense. Most of my low level allies on level 7-9 have around 15-30 allies.

I think right now your low level buildings and low allies (I am assuming less than 3?) is not getting you any attention fortunately.

Freekizh
04-30-2012, 04:50 PM
Thats ok - don't add any more allies. I believe the cutoff is like 3.

Have a cup of tea and take a break. This game is more like correspondence chess - take your time. Otherwise you will get your a** handed to you in a tupperwear container very soon.

Snocat
04-30-2012, 05:00 PM
Any help regards my computer would would be greatly appreciated but I have to say that I'm loathe to drag anyone into the miasma that I call "The Young and the Computerless". It a soap opera with no comic relief, Don Knotts is playing me in the movie version.

If you're serious I'll happily accept your help, I just have to warn you up front that it's like having a dog walk across you; it's all warm and fuzzy at first, downgrading to a pink underbelly, and then WHAM! Hewllet Packard pokes its willy in your face and your all disgusted and left feeling faintly ashamed. Kinda like how you felt after watching "Dumb and Dumber".

Dang, I should get a job writing disclaimers for Personal Injury Lawyers! Hehehhehehehe!

Seriously though, I feel like an idiot, but not so much that I won't take help when it's so generously offered.

Ghost818
04-30-2012, 05:10 PM
Well if my knowledge can help you ask and we will find out if I can help :)